Rediscover What Makes You Happy

The idea for this piece actually came from an anxiety attack after a work call. Yeah, not the best of scenarios to be like, Hey! Maybe this thing I’m feeling right now deserves to be explored a little bit more.

But I decided to do that anyway, since I developed something quite unnatural over the last few months at home. For someone as expressive as me, I developed a fear of being misunderstood.

I developed a fear of not being able to say the right thing at the right time, or for them to misinterpret my words and me not being able to help them in anyway. Not just at work, even at home or with friends, I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, or not saying something right enough for the situation at hand to fix it.

I was scared to express how I truly felt about anything. Especially if it concerned me, my thoughts and myself. The helplessness I felt was horrible.

Navigating The Moody Madness Of This Year

I guess in hindsight, that’s what this year has been for us all. Confusing, blurry, lost and questioning our entire existence, also whether if we wanted to eat cheese or chocolate for dinner.

It has given us enough time to think about what matters, what we want to do, and what we should do. All to develop sudden spurts of motivation before we spiral down the same staircase of haziness over and over again.

Why did everything suddenly feel so temporary including our happiness? Why was everything laced with like an emotional expiry date that no one knew about? Also why did we never seem to know what we wanted to eat for dinner?

Why was the world forcing us to discover and re-discover what made us happy? Over and over again till it engraved itself into our well-beings that “Hey you, yes you scrolling social media at 3am for no reason. Listen up, these are the things that should matter to you. Pay attention and no, you don’t need a snack right now. Ok, maybe just a little bit.”

Was this nature’s way of helping us cope? Telling us to pay attention to how we felt till it helped us in ways that were different each time? Maybe so.

Unknowingly, maybe it was a way for us to learn and unlearn things about ourselves, not knowing whether the cyclic repetition of motivation, demotivation, productivity and unproductivity were ever going to end. Giving us reasons to feel that maybe this up-down of moods, reasonless outburst and just the fear of the unpredictability of tomorrow was actually justified.

So, with nothing to lose, I wrote this piece that made me feel a certain way, or affirmed my ability to explain how I feel, in a way where being misunderstood was a lesser fear than not being able to express myself at all. (I also bought a butt-load of stationary.)

And little by little, with nothing planned or gained, I discovered my roadmap of how I navigated this unpredictable feeling of fear, insecurity and helplessness.

What did I do exactly? Well…

I Created

I tried to bring in creativity into my life in all aspects that I could. Some call it distraction, maybe. Some call it therapy, perhaps. I just found it fun to do something new that gave me something to look forward to.

Art

I created artwork for the first time. I did way too many DIY projects, bought too much paint supplies, got fabric paint on my clothes and threw myself into a world of color like I never did before.

Experiences

I created new experiences- sitting on my bed for hours trying to solve a puzzle that I’ve been at for weeks. I experienced a lot of moments that was met with cold air, hot chocolate and simmering in some peace and quiet before the world woke up.

Routines

I (tried to) go for regular walks, drink more water, cut down on sugar. I found joys in simple routines and building a regime when I felt like it. That also brought in some organized aspects back into my life when things felt completely out of my control.

I Watched

So Many Korean Shows

Popularly known as KDramas, and quite the constant in my life this year. Watching shows that help you gain different perspectives, opens you up to a new culture, spurs the need to eat new foods, and therefore make an attempt at cooking it, while also wanting to learn the language-is quite the feat.

It’s actually been the centrifugal force of a lot of things in my life this year. And I think I want to do more fun things in that space. Maybe write more reviews, or suggest recommendations in a genre.

Here is my first attempt at a review for a favourite this year. Hospital Playlist!

My Words

Working from home and keeping in touch via calls has really changed the way people understand us. As mentioned earlier, I developed the anxiety if what I was saying was right enough for every situation. I questioned almost every interaction to the point where I realized thought we must continue to be careful of what we say and how we say it.

But the way the other person perceives our words should not be our responsibility. I did my best to explain what I could on call, but your selective hearing or cognitive bias is not really something in my control. So yes, watch your words, but also watch your mental space. And make sure you occupy it with things that should matter.

My Time

This one was a doozy. And by that I mean, how do you keep track of your time in a word where you had no momentous milestones to celebrate? No events to go to? No trips/birthdays and moments to mark the month, week and day? How do you justify the time you spend on winding down, or over-working? Was it enough? We’re you wasting your time? Is this the best way to spend a weekend before you get thrown into a work whirlwind again?

Well, maybe we need to relook at what we consider as ‘productive’ and ‘unproductive’. What if not all work related things are productive in nature? What if not all relaxing things were unproductive? Maybe we had it all wrong. If you are unmotivated then maybe we need to redefine productivity completely.

I Made

Memories

Attended not one, but TWO online BTS concerts, woke up earlier that I ever have to watch the rerun and stayed up to watch the 2nd day and spend 12 hours out of 48 hours on this. Best day(s) ever!

Enjoyed late night KDrama binges and hot chocolate. Rainy days and endless pages of reading or writing. Thankful for the small stuff, and making the meaningful stuff count.

Food

Oh boy, I cooked a lot. And lived to tell the tale of how I attempted (and succeeded for the most part) to make Korean food more than Indian food. Someone from Seoul adopt me.

New Forms Of Meaningful Relationships

Video calls while you do random things. Discord servers to learn Korean. This year hasn’t been short of trying to find new ways to build relationships. And using your existing relationships in different ways. And for that I am very thankful.

Peace With My Adulthood Insecurities

I am very comfortable with my interests and showing people how much I love these fun quirky things that may or may not be becoming of an adult my age. For the longest time, I never added KPop and KDrama directly on my IG bio for the fear that people won’t take me seriously.

And then I stopped caring whether this or that made me look like a mature adult. I think as long as you act situationally appropriate, then no one has the right to question your maturity basis the things you like. This is me, professionally or personally, this is me. And I don’t think I have anything to prove about what portrays me as a responsible adult.

I Listened

To KPop

*Please insert all the fangirl screaming about BTS here, which has literally taken over my life* And of course, I have rediscovered what I love about KPop so much. My baby ARMY ass is savouring all the content on the internet that I have missed for not stanning them sooner. Oh my god.

To My Mom

I wrote an entire blog post about what I learned and observed from my mom, while staying at home with her for the longest time since the time I used to go to school.

To People

Like really listened to things that helped me understand people beyond what they said via words and more via what they meant to say. The art of listening to people without over-riding their thoughts with yours is a lost art in the world of today, where we are keener on venting and releasing what’s on our mind whether gauging if the other person has the mental space to handle it, or if they need to share something instead. I may write a post on this soon- lost art of listening and not just hearing.

To Myself

And how we need to also relook at optimism during times of adversity. Running away from how you feel is not going to solve anything, nor is lamenting over what does not need your attention.

I Read

Korean Lessons

Went back to the books to finally learn a language I have been meaning to pick up for a while. Like I said, KDramas have played a huge HUGE role in shaping my year. Can’t say I have made a big progress, but I have thoroughly enjoyed going back to the books and waking up on a Saturday morning with some tea and a lesson plan on hand. Can’t wait to watch my shows and Vlives subtitle free!

Books

Paperback books to be specific. Some much-needed relief from all the big and small electronic screens. Yes, I do have an insane To Be Read list for 2021, but this was one of the first times I have actually made notes on phrases, theories and things I liked and learned from each book. Here is my review of what I learned about creativity from Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I Discovered How To Just Be

In a way, this year has given us Over-Thinking Mental Marathon runners a forced break. Where we were told to sit down and reassess everything about our lives. Whether we liked it or not.

We were told to be thankful to have a stable job during the recession, we were told to be grateful for the privileges of the internet and entertainment, we were told to be appreciative about having family and friends to support us during tough times.

But here is the funny thing, where some days, these affirmations worked, some days, I simmered in my anxiety feeling bad about feeling bad! I am lucky, aren’t I? Then why feel sad? Why feel upset? Why feel helpless? No, no, these were then met with more guilt about not feeling grateful enough, or appreciative enough. And thus the internal struggle continued.

As I write this, I feel fine, but the uncertainty of what tomorrow will be like brings in some unnecessary thoughts. So there is nothing I can do, but to just make peace with what life is right now and how to move from here.

And from that, all we can do is exist with what’s happening around us.

Just be.

Co-exist with the good things and learn to deal with the bad. You can just figure how to exist with small purposes that give each of your days some meaning. Even if it’s small, or temporary. And do all you can to find what those things are.

I know the way we feel each day can be varying as well. The same things that made us happy yesterday, may not work today. So that leaves us in this weird limbo of an emotion. We don’t know where we are headed, nor do we know where we will be going.

So in retrospect, all we can do is exist in whatever life has to offer currently and take it as it comes.

As I learned, unlearned about myself, as I constructed and re-constructed every facet of my life, as I built and re-built my fears and insecurities, I realized what would be my moto from now till the indefinite future:

I am doing the best I can.

It is my standard response to every “How are you?” from now till a time allows me to say something even better.

I don’t know if it’s enough, or good, or bad. It is what it is and it is all I have. I am doing the best I can with what I have and what life chooses to give me.

I am going to take each day it comes, overcoming each hurdle as it face it, trying to organize my thoughts in the best ways possible.

And it’s high time we stop waiting for things to get better before we move on with our lives.

Because despite it all we have faced this year and hope for the New Year… life goes on.

For what it is and what will be,

Niki