The Art of Acceptance, Sincerity & Fun (33rd Birthday Post)

Hellos & hellos!

Starting every blog post now feels like a big, satisfying stretch to the familiar creative chords of my brain. (Reminder to do this often please)

By the way, I didn’t realize finding a theme to write about this year would become such a big struggle. I don’t usually find it difficult to summarize my year into a neat theme. But this year, it was either too much, or absolutely nothing at all. So that left me wondering, where do I begin and what do I say?

And then suddenly, the realization came to me one evening in the form of an IG trend.

Please hesitate to roll your eyes here.

There was this trend recently where people would talk about their negative traits to make fun of it, by calling themselves out. But this attempt to bring humour to a very pertinent thing also became an interesting self-reflective exercise for me.

And with my recent reading list, we all know how any form of self-introspection is an opportunity I love to jump at.

So that got me thinking-what were my negative traits? (Gasp! What do you mean I’m not perfect?)

I impulse buy books and stationery at odd hours of the night. No shame here.

I drink ridiculous amounts of chai on an empty stomach, knowing fully well it will give me acid reflux.

But I also cycle through motivation and demotivation a lot. Which affects my mood more than it necessarily has to. One day life is clear with my goals neatly outlined and I am gladly working towards it. And the next day, one miss would derail my whole progress and it would become so hard for me to fall back into that routine again.

Sounds just like every ordinary, average 30-something out there facing part existentialism. But for me, I know I am going through a slump. I can feel it. But all I do is make myself feel absolutely terrible about it, yet do absolutely nothing to fix it.

I know, what a vibe.

I don’t even know why I do this to myself. Nothing hindered the last year concerning time. Yes, I did try freehand at consultancy. Did well in some parts, not so well in some parts. Loved the freedom, but also felt pressured by it, and over-tried to make my time ultra-productive and super busy as my full-time counterpart friends.

I cycled through ‘I am going to make more money than I did in my full-time’ which quickly went to, ‘I’m working all the time now because I took on too many projects. And ‘I love the hustle and sitting in coffee shops on a weekday morning’ to ‘How am I going to grow my career by doing the same thing over and over again?’

Some days were great, and some days I questioned everything. It was getting repetitive, redundant, and honestly really frustrating. So after a bunch of (quite dreadful) journaling sessions, I decided to give myself 4 guidelines that also turned out to be the biggest lessons from this year.

Accept the moment

Instead of mentally fighting with myself, I chose to just accept the waves. Accept whatever was going on and whatever I was feeling. I was just so tired of always opposing my emotions and wanting to be elsewhere doing something else than what I was currently presented.

So I just accepted the ups and downs.

Some months I earned more, some months I earned less. Some months I worked on 5 projects and for 15 hours a day, including the weekends. And some months, I was sipping on coffee and journaling on a Monday morning with no agenda to the week.

Sometimes, I was so pressured to prove myself, and sometimes, I felt like I didn’t owe showing off my career goals to anyone. I’m doing this for me.

Sometimes, the acceptance felt great and liberating. But sometimes, it felt like I was taking the easy way out and not being ambitious enough to work towards everything I wanted.

My acceptance, as it turns out felt like I wasn’t living out to my fullest potential. And I was compromising with easy-way-out excuses.

I know, the tricks our mind plays on ourselves are unbelievable. Sighs.

And so came lesson #2.

Be sincere & honest

At first, I tried to apply this to small everyday things. Housework, life admin activities, brushing my teeth every night, working out regularly, spending honest quality time with the ones I care about, etc.

And then I tried to apply this to work. Whatever work you get, networking conversations you have, and efforts to reach out and get more gigs, I try to do it to the best of my abilities. Sincerely and as genuinely helpful as I can be. Of course, depending on the circumstances.

And something changed in the process.

My regrets were reduced. Because I did everything to the best of my abilities, if things didn’t work out, I wasn’t sad. Because I knew I didn’t hold back and maybe it just wasn’t for me, or it didn’t match my values. And there is some comfort in knowing I wouldn’t have done anything differently to change the outcome.

With fewer regrets, I had a little bit more confidence to start exploring things that I wouldn’t usually jump at. And that led me to meet some incredible people, with some interesting new experiences, that just added this unique layer to my career that I didn’t even know was possible.

With regards to my life, it gave me small tasks I could accomplish every day that helped me feel like I productively spent my day. And even though I woke up at 10 am, it wasn’t a day wasted. I felt better about the passing of time. It gave me a purpose, no matter how small.

So naturally, I moved to lesson #3

Just have fun

Such an obvious progression.

So because I learned to accept things the way they were, there was no productivity pressure to ‘snap out of it’, without that I could do things with more sincerity, and then have fewer regrets about the outcome. Without the pressure of success, I naturally started just having fun.

Whatever I did, I just wanted to have fun with it. Even if it was energy or time-demanding I. Just. Started. Having. Fun. I wanted to enjoy whatever I was doing without thinking too much about whether this contributed to an immediate outcome and strong purpose.

And here is how it translated into my life. I started going out for more walks because I enjoyed the weather. I started doing mundane tasks with more enthusiasm, which actually led me to feel better about my surroundings. I started (and stopped) expecting every activity, interaction, and relationship to solve something for me so that I could feel like I was spending my time in the most productive way possible. Because I started having fun, more time was good to have, not a must-have.

I wasn’t always seeking fulfillment in bigger activities, I tried to find them in everything I did instead. I was here to just enjoy whatever I was given, despite the circumstances.

And this has to be the single most liberating feeling I have experienced this year. The load off my shoulders, the regrets of an empty calendar, and my seeming lack of effort to be where a 33-year-old is expected to be, almost all dissolved into what felt right in the moment.

So finally, with 1, 2, and 3, lesson 4 just fell into place.

You are exactly where you need to be

This realization as per usual comes and goes. Some days I tell myself, you are perfectly fine where you are headed, even if you don’t know the destination. Some days I wake up at 4:30 am in pure unsatisfactory life dread. What am I doing with my life? Why haven’t I accomplished anything? Am I not living to my fullest potential?

You know, the usual.

But thankfully, my more grateful days are outnumbering the ungrateful days. My sincerity now outweighs my regret. My approach to life is now to take every situation as it is and not what I think it is, and not excessively question its purpose either.

I choose to believe whatever I am facing, is the best possible path to make me happier. Provided I am doing my best.

And to this 33-year-old right now, I think it’s more than enough. :)

Living life a little bit less stimulated and more simply is however not that easy, I realized. There will be moments, people, events, or even your own mind that will derail your hard-earned self-progression. But now I know that too c­­an be taken as some form of learning to get to know yourself better. And how you can improve your reactions to them.

I thought at this age I would know so much of myself already. But the older I grow, the more I realize how much there is left to discover. And how much of myself I haven’t even unlocked yet.

And I think that is exciting in its own way. :)

So here I am, in the moment, trying to be acutely aware of this stage of my life where (I choose to believe) the possibilities are endless. And be content & grateful to have the best set of family and friends to share them with. In this distracted, hectic, oftentimes shallow world, giving someone your time and (full) attention seems to be the biggest gift. Being there for them, listening to them, sharing reels on IG, and just dropping in minutes of ‘update me’ voice notes- is truly something I will never take for granted.

Finally a very, very big happy birthday to you (me). I’m really proud of you. I’m proud of how you continue to keep going, keep doing your best, keep trying, keep learning, and not even for a moment choose to be anything less than what you are fully capable of.

The more people I meet, the more I come to discover that it’s not a trait everyone has. And the more I admire you for it. Somewhere along the lines, the child-like curiosity, enthusiasm, and zest for the simple things in life in all of us succumb to the expectations of age. But no matter who says what, I want you to continue being you and never forget what makes you worthy of yourself. Do what you think is right, feels right, and I promise you it will all fall into place.

Till then, keep enjoying spending money on books, stationery, family, food, and KDrama show subscriptions. You know, just the important things in life.

To making the best of everything, big or small,

Niki :)