Lessons From A Never-Ending Existential Crisis

I am such a cliché.

I am a nearly 30 something millennial that is questioning her career choices, her life, her preferences, her personality structure and most importantly her beliefs.

No matter how many profound realizations I have about myself, they somehow always tend to fall off track with a purpose led question.

Why am I doing this? Who am I? Where do I belong? Are just come of the questions that keep cycling in my mind with every instance I meet these days. Sometimes I have the answer, and most of the times I don’t.

Sometimes that doesn’t bother me. Most of the times it does.

But, being the ever self-introspective person that I am, I took a while to understand that an existential crisis can surprisingly be a form of reinvention.

Where you get to build yourself again from the ground up. Where you get to alter yourself to a new version that you think is acceptable… for now.

But before we get into what are some of the lessons I learned from simmering in a big aromatic pot of existential despair, I wanted to share some pretty interesting observations from the blog posts that I had written in the past one year- that actually inspired this one.

One spoke of finding smaller, meaningful purpose in everyday life. And not letting yourself stress about not having a long-term, bigger goal in today’s world.

Another spoke of redefining productivity and how it needs to change with the current landscape of how people are spending their time. And no matter what you do, the time you enjoy wasting is no longer wasted time.  

Finally, I also dabbled a little in accepting the everyday ups and downs and learning how to find happiness in the smaller things. Rediscovering what brings you joy in times when you need it the most.

All of these pieces followed a similar theme of trying to help you stabilise your emotions and overcome whatever that is you were facing. None of these pieces spoke much about allowing yourself to feel whatever it was you were feeling and accepting that emotion as a part of the process.

I tried to make all these pieces end on a solution, but I did not focus enough on helping you (or myself) discover the deeper reason why you were feeling the way you did in the first place.

With that, here is the first lesson from me.

Allowing Yourself To Feel What You Feel

Without worrying too much whether it’s wrong or right.

Even the sad thoughts, the unsure ones and especially the darkest ones.

What if I told you that you are allowed to feel what you feel, provided once you’re ready to let it go, you shouldn’t let any residual emotions weight you down after that.

Personally, when I feel sad I tend to automatically disassociate and hibernate. And when I am very sad, I cut off from everything and… well, I guess you can say I sulk. And when I am really really sad, I physically cannot make myself do anything.

In all of these instances, there is a certain level of luxury in being able to disassociate. And sometimes, there are people who can’t even do that because they have things to do and responsibilities to fulfil.

So yes, I am cognizant and respectful for those going through a tough time and unable to just drop everything they are doing and take a break to figure things out.

But when I say allowing yourself to feel what you feel, I guess I was looking at it from the perspective of trying to stay true to your emotions. Just be honest.

It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

I realized the true essence of this phrase when I came across a term called ‘toxic positivity.’

Where no matter how hard things in life are, you are expected to constantly exude this feel-good, die-hard optimistic view of life. And I realized how shallow that can be sometimes.

Because while we set aside all our negative emotions as they arise, we eventually find them surfacing again and again, without knowing the real reason why.

I now know that as a society we are more likely to gravitate towards people who give us a happier outlook because we don’t want anything negative to ruin the little positivity we have going for ourselves.

But as much as we accept positivity, I realized we should learn to recognise and respect negative emotions too. As long as we are not harming anyone around us, then there is really nothing wrong in accepting the fact that the strongest, bravest, happiest people, feel sad sometimes too. You don’t have to hide it or force yourself to move on quickly to something more positive. It’s okay to be sad, and you don’t have to be strong, cheery and optimistic all the time.

And once you allow yourself to accept it, you can better determine the root cause of why you feel the way you do. And how better you can learn to change that once (and only if) you are ready.

Respecting Mental Health Boundaries

It’s not always that easy.

(Of course, it’s not)

Sometimes we think that our emotions are heavily influenced by external causes. And it’s because of them or this or that that we are burdened by our mental state.

But that’s not always the case.

There was this piece I had written a while ago which I chose not to publish. It was titled “the art of listening and be heard in a digital world.”

In this piece, I wrote about people who use your listening capacity and your friendship as a mechanism to constantly whine, complain and unload their thoughts and their feelings on you. But not respecting your headspace to check if you have something on your mind to share as well, or even if you have the mindset to listen to them to begin with.

If you are sad, and you are not comfortable expressing it, then the other person may just take advantage of your willingness. Without checking if you are doing okay, or if you have something to share.

I never published this piece because I found myself talking a lot about how I personally felt about this problem. I realized that wasn’t fair for those who actually made the effort to speak up. They knew how to express themselves and they did a good job of it. Just because I was unable to do so, set boundaries and ask for reciprocation that has nothing to do with the other party.

Because I was cognizant of how I felt, without hiding it, I was able to think about how this wasn’t about my friends or the people who made the effort to talk to me. It was about me and how I did not equip myself with enough to learn how to handle people’s emotions to begin with.

And I am sure if I had told the people around me that I don’t have the mind space for it, and if they were people who truly cared about me, they would respect that. And if they didn’t then I would know how to handle that accordingly.

(Not so) surprisingly, sometimes, it’s really not them. Sometimes, it’s you. The responsibility of how you feel, is sometimes, on you.

Measurement Of Uncertainty

Yes, we are still amidst a lot of uncertainty in the world and that too can strike a series of questions within us that affects our perception of how to feel.

We miss the comfort of having things to mould and shape to our control. And once that control is taken away from us, we feel helpless and we don’t know how to go about living without knowing what comes next.

But what if I told you that life is always going to make you feel the ups and downs and just when you think you have it all figured out, a curveball will be thrown at you when you least expected it.

And sure you miss having a concrete plan of what you want to do next, or even a small inkling of how your next few months is going to look like. Uncertainty as a phase will truly never change. But how you feel about it, can,

The sooner you learn to accept this the better. There is no point fighting it. There is no point trying to control it beyond a certain point. And there is no point fearing it either. Change can sometimes be a good thing.

Uncertainty will therefore just be the environment. Its’ acceptance will also help you come to better terms with how you feel.

Never Say Never

I have silly story to tell you. (Are you even surprised? No? Good)

I wasn’t exactly a fan of coffee or tea. I felt like the sooner you get addicted to the caffeine the more your body would start needing it to function.

Oh boy, apparently working from home for a year can really change your preferences.

But now, I totally get it when people says they can’t think straight without their first cup of the day. I unknowingly, became that person. 

There was a time I would feel so low in energy and spirit that I would do anything I could to snap out of it and get crazy amounts of overloaded work done. So I resorted to caffeine. The kick you get from coffee is like a spike of energy, which obviously your body (and mind) appreciates. And you keep wanting more and more of it, till you start craving for it.

Then one day you over do it so much, you drink two cups in the morning, one in the evening and even one cup before bedtime. Like what even? Who had I become?

And then the inevitable happened. My fragile stomach developed ulcers and I went from 4 cups a day to zero till I could eat food normally again.

Never will I make fun of anyone when they say they are addicted to caffeine for I took a while, a while, to start functioning without it again.

And that helped me realize that we always pride ourselves for never having done this, or that. We think it makes us stoop low or desperate to have to admit a fault.

We are so proud of how we think we are strong enough or brave enough or we have it all under control to even remotely think to ask for help. And that’s where most of us go wrong.

Never did I think that I would have an existential crisis that never seems to end.

Where I would wake up one day feeling energized by a slow weekend, and on some days feel the same time-wasted dread by my characterizations of an unproductive weekend.

Where I would usually like posting snippets about my day and my thoughts and on some days feel insecure and vulnerable about over-sharing the same things.

Never did I think that I would be ohkay admitting the fact that, I feel lost sometimes, I don’t feel brave sometimes, I am not as strong as I thought I was and even someone as expressive as me may not like to talk about what’s bothering me.

So never say never will you make a mistake. Never will you need help. Never will you be this person, because it gets to even the best of us.

But despite all of that, I have come to terms with learning how to not be embarrassed by it. I’m human! I am allowed to feel this. The sooner I learn to accept and admit it to myself, the faster I can prove to myself that I will learn to navigate it better, if not find an end.

And you can too.

And finally,

It Is What It Is

Life is what it is. It is how you’re feeling right now. And it will be how you’re feeling tomorrow.

I think the resistance is what makes it tricky. It doesn’t have to be so hard.

Recognize how you’re feeling, to better understand why you are feeling the way you do.

Accept uncertainty to ground your fears and insecurities back to your own definition of control.

Learn that the even the solutions you find today, their effectivity can fade with time.

Maybe the things that bring you joy today may not do that tomorrow. And instead of feeling bad about it, take it as an opportunity to discover something new.

The sooner you make peace with the ups and downs, the sooner you’ll be able to surf its waves instead of drowning in it.

And that’s what I wanted to share with you today.

Unlike my other posts, this is a little unedited (lies, this is your 4th draft), a little real, a little introspective and a little like a diary entry mixed with some philosophical musings. I wasn’t hoping this to be like that, but it’s the best way I can express how I feel right now. And I think that’s ohkay :)

So hi, I am a cliché.

And I’m so ohkay with that.

And I am now comfortable enough to admit that sometimes (or most of the times) I will not have the answers. Or even the right indication of what I am supposed to do.

I will feel sad again and unreasonably happy again, just to feel sad again and watch Run BTS! And feel happy again. That’s life.

But you know what? I am not going to fight it. I am not going to complain about it (too much) or worry about it or even fear it. I am going to learn how to dance in it. 

And if you’re feeling the same way too, then I hope this post made you feel like you are not alone. And there is someone feeling the exact same way.

I hope you find the courage to learn how to not just overcome it, but to accept it for what it is. And then bit by bit, discover how to deal with it in a way that works for you.

The way I did by writing this out. :)

Till then, there is always coffee. Or hot chocolate. Or matcha.

Don’t worry.

You got this, ohkay?

May you continue to feel real,

Niki :)