Hellooos!

Testing, testing, is this thing on? *Taps keyboard*

Wow, not going to lie, but it’s been a while since I’ve written something that’s not work related. And honestly? I feel a little rusty. I don’t even know where and how to begin.

In the last episode of my birthday post

I was freshly unemployed, very (very, very) sad about it, and spent my whole birthday in bed watching BTS reels. Unable to get myself to do anything that was traditionally expected of a birthday girl.

With that, I realized that the pressure to be happy on your birthday was so overrated. You are rightfully upset, be upset. And when you do feel better, pick up from where you left off and re-celebrate your birthday if you want. It’s really not a big deal.

After that, I promised myself that no matter what happens, I will not regret what I am feeling. It’s okay to not feel your best sometimes. Feel what you feel, get it out of your system, and start over, hopefully with a lighter heart and a fresher perspective.

Nothing is ‘wasted’ time, no moment is lost, and the guilt you feel because of all this is something we all can learn to be kinder to ourselves about.

Anyway, that was last year. So this year…

The Surprise

…. Why do I find myself in the exact same position? Yet again!

Why yes, somehow being unemployed on my birthday seems to be the theme that I prefer doesn’t repeat. So due to some (very weird and) unfortunate circumstances, here I am feeling a certain type of way not knowing how to even react.

I finish a decade of my career with no new milestone or achievement to mark or validate my worth. Let’s not forget that extra body chub I really did not ask for.

Was I upset for a brief period of time? Of course, but considering this wasn’t the first time, and thankfully my circumstances were still better, I managed to get myself out of it faster. Being unemployed does not mean I am not good at my job, or I lack the skills needed. Some things are just beyond your control and it’s better to accept it gracefully and move on.

Lessons From The Unemployed Birthday Girl 2.0

Society puts more pressure on us than we do on ourselves

Yes, I said it. Society has ingrained such a deep need to cross off a checklist of things by a certain age, and after this incident, I am convinced that I am just not meant for it.

 Being married, having kids, earning XYZ, having a house or car, or whatever it is I’m supposed to have at this age by expectation. Nope, I don’t think that route is for me.

And I feel like the fear of having to say “I am currently unemployed or unmarried” to the next set of extended family seems to be more stressful than confronting the situation in the best way you know how.

Everyone including the universe loves second chances

Seriously, what are the chances I would be in the exact same position I was in last year? Clearly, it was giving me a second chance to either learn how to take a break and redo something, or do it differently. Now I just need to figure out what that is.

And how do I make the most of it without (once again) feeling guilty about wasting my time or not allocating efforts towards something I consider valuable.

Grateful for the pause

Given everything, it’s still important to consider how privileged we are in certain events and circumstances. And I really, truly have learned how grateful I am to have the supportive family and friends that I do.

And the never-ending quest of learning how to enjoy it

Oh man, this was actually the trickiest part of all. Because if you are always in hustle mode and one day you wake up to absolutely nothing, what do you do? How do you react? How do you know that this is the BEST way to utilize your time?

So you go over the usual push and pull:

Did I join the gym and binged cheese ramen anyway? Yes.

Did I alternate between shows and books and more shows and more books? Super yes.

Did I meet new friends, visited old friends, travel to new places and café hopped all I wanted? Very very YES.

Did I also alternate between guilt and joy? Confusion and clarity? Hyper-focus and sluggishness? You don’t even know…

You are not your job title

Maybe this is also a reminder that my job/career is a big part of who I am, sure. But it does not and cannot encompass everything about me. I love what I do, but maybe this is also a solid reminder to learn how to define myself outside of my job title.

It’s not everything you need to know about me and it’s not the only thing that makes me… me.

I guess I was just so focused on being this ‘career woman’ earning money, being busy, attending big meetings in rooms lacking representation, and proving myself over and over again, I never realized when that became my entire personality.

Who am I when my Google calendar is not filled with things to get done and meetings to have? Who am I at home when I am around family? Who am I to my friends and the relationships I build otherwise?

What if I reach a stage where I don’t have a job? Or I don’t need a job? Will that make me any less important in my own eyes?

Hell freaking no.

Accept the unexpected

You know what? I think I know what all this means to me.

This has to be the biggest lesson on the art of acceptance, the method of learning to be okay with all the ups and downs, and learning to also deal with it as it happens. I want to try and learn how to enjoy whatever I do, no matter what it is. I want to learn how to take a moment, and fully immerse myself in it without wondering about its productivity scale.

I want myself to enjoy this phase of my life for what it brings and I trust myself to get back into the hustle when I am ready. I know I won’t become lazy or unambitious by spending a few afternoons reading on my balcony.

(Reminder to give yourself enough credit, by the way)

And most importantly, MOST importantly, recognize your privilege despite the situation you are in and always remember to be grateful for it.

The Serendipity

So now I am choosing to really, really, make the most of such a serendipitous time in my life.

I’m learning that not everything I do needs to check off some big goal, I’m learning that doesn’t also mean I can spend every waking moment in bed. Some days I’ll feel like applying to more jobs just to get my hopes up and some days I’ll spent it watching shows and drinking chai.

Did I mention I am learning to develop a healthy relationship with food? Learning what works for my body and listening to what it needs instead of giving it what I think it wants. (Except you, cheese ramen, you are perfect just the way you are <3 )

I am also learning how to spend uninterrupted time reading, without the need (or anxiety) to check my emails or worry about what time it is. Or spending  attentive moments with friends, really listening to what they have to say instead of thinking about something else. Connecting with people on a more meaningful level and genuinely getting to know them better. Learning to understand myself better, thought patterns, insecurities, likes, dislikes & why I behave the way I do in certain situations and how to improve myself on certain aspects.

Just you know, a complete deep-dive for fun.

I don’t know about you, I am definitely feeling 32

I can proudly say that not only did I celebrate my 32nd birthday with max fun & friends, but I did get to do everything I wanted, eat all the good foods, and never ever forget for even one microsecond how truly grateful I am for the people I have in my life.

(Gratefulness seems to be the theme today. I kinda like it :)

So to the future you reading this, I promise you everything you are feeling right now will make sense. Even if doesn’t feel like that right now. You will be fine. I know you will be fine.

And I am glad you are keeping up the tradition of your birthday posts no matter how erratic your writing schedule is, or how random your thought structures can be. Or even how you feel like this is the last thing you want to do weeks after your birthday.

You are learning to immortalize a little hope for when the future you may need it :)

From today, I want you to make the most of things. Spending three hours in a café on a beautifully rainy, cloudy Thursday with your cream cheese bagel, writing this piece- is not a waste of time. It’s the best way for you to know to spend your day, doing something you love.

Please do more of it, please be nicer to yourself.

Also listen, remember last year when you said you were lactose intolerant? No man, you were just stressed. *Sips her full-fat milk hot chocolate*

And finally, I don’t need to tell you how incredibly proud I am of you, because you already know that. But I do hope you finally, finally, FINALLY learn to enjoy a break and a life that’s made out of surprises and serendipity.

No guilt, no regrets, just humility, and presence.

Your 30s just keep better and better, right? Told you so.

Niki :)