Hellos & hellos!

My name is Niki and if there is one thing you should know about me is that I plan my birthday weekend down to the nail color I want to get, the gifts I want to buy for myself and I even make dinner reservations a week in advance to new places I want to go to.

And you know what? I was/am quite proud of this. Why?

Learning To Celebrate You

I realized a very long time ago that no one is going to celebrate you more than yourself, so why not go all out to make yourself feel celebrated on your big day? What’s wrong with that? Our family members get busy, friends get busy, and honestly once you make peace with adulthood, you realize that life happens. Its but natural. I once spent most of my birthday alone for that same reason.

And it’s not like they don’t care about you enough to make you a priority, but it shouldn’t be their responsibility to make you happy. How you feel is entirely on you. I am confident enough to now say that I enjoy the process of planning things that bring me joy on my birthday or any other day.

At least, that’s what I like to believe. Because this birthday made me realize something with quite the opposite impact.

The Birthday Bummer

This year, a series of events turned my meticulous plans upside down and I did not feel like being happy on my birthday. Just like how things happen beyond our control, life throws things your way when you least expected it. And that hit me right in the face.

My Type A self, turned into a weepy mess who just wanted the day to be over. I sadly, did not feel like acting or behaving or even pretending to be this happy cheery version of myself with other people. Nor did I want to lie to them.

So I rather just hide in my room and sleep.

And the worst part was that I was in constant conflict throughout the day. Yes, I was depressed, and but I also hated myself for wasting an important day

And as ungrateful as I felt, I still did not feel like celebrating anything. And no matter what you could say or do, nothing would change my mind. I had a lot going on, and I did not feel like anyone would understand or even make an effort to. So, what was the point?

I decided, I would deal with it, in my own way. And that was by giving myself the space to just… be. Or mope. Or both.

The pressure to be happy on your birthday is sometimes burdening.

There, I said it. Tell me I am wrong? Why, why, is there a stigma around forced joy to celebrate your birthday? Everyone has different reasons why they are sad on their birthday. Whether its age, unfulfillment, loneliness, or anything else that is personal to you.

Why aren’t those feeling validated?

I think suppressing certain emotions at important times can do more harm that allowing yourself to feel what you feel and learning how to overcome it.

And I know some reasons are more serious than others, some are trivial, some can also be recurring (which you should definitely look into) but if you sad about something, be sad. That doesn’t mean your whole year is going to go bad if you spend day 1 on a low.

But you are only allowed to feel this way if you promise to make an effort (no matter how small) to get better once you are done. And if you aren’t harming anyone in the process.

Unlimited Do-overs

A birthday, like the name suggests, is just a DAY. Yes, it is an important & special day but it shouldn’t be one that’s pressuring. And gratefully, it’s not the only day you have. Give yourself time to heal (very important that you do) and celebrate your birthday maybe on another day when you are feeling better. I know I did.

And yes, my birthday posts to myself as usually reminiscent of a life lesson that I have come across for that year. But this year, I got to break the fear and taboo of having an uncelebrated birthday. And I’m free from the fear of having another in the future!

It’s really not a big deal. You’ll (gratefully) get another one.

Life happens, sad things happen. But that day made me extra grateful for the family & friends I have in my life, who I am so lucky to depend on at times that I may need it.

So to everyone who made the effort to take time out for me to call or message or even meet me, I just wanted to say thank you so so much. And I apologize if I wasn’t considerate enough. I was reading all your messages quietly and hopefully I responded to all. It means more to me in moments like this. I appreciate every gesture and I am truly grateful for everything.

To anyone reading this who did have a sad birthday too, for whatever reason big or small, I just wanted to say I hope you come out of it stronger and always, always, give yourself an opportunity to re-celebrate yourself on another day. You should do it to show yourself some love because you deserve it no matter what anyone says. Don’t be regretful, don’t feel guilty, just don’t forget to treat yourself kindly and be there for yourself.

But wait. What was the big life lesson you learned on your 31st birthday?

One bad day doesn’t determine a bad life. It’s just one day/ one incident. You will get over it, happier & better than when you started. Things happen to make way for better things.

Oh,

And I think I’m lactose intolerant.

So happy birthday to you Niki. When future you reads this, you will know what you felt that day and how grateful you are to the people who gave you time & space to help yourself. And to never forget that the greatest gift anyone can give you is their love. And always be grateful for it. :)

I am proud of you.

Also please buy more oat milk,

Niki :)