I’m down half a cup of coffee and I still don’t know how to start this post.

Yes, I drink coffee now. Because I am an adult. And we’ll pretend that it’s black with no sugar instead of the extra cream and chocolate syrup I added. Because I am an adult.

And because I am an adult, this blog post will be serious and introspective. And filled with all the philosophy that’s supposed to come from, yes you got it, being an adult.

Got it?

Ohkay good.

Umm…

Well… I tried, but its too boring so I am going to go back to being me now. Thanks, but no thanks to societal definitions of adulthood. You are just not for me.

Acting Your Age

I have a confession.

When I was younger, I would look down upon those women who tried too hard to dress young. They would wear makeup that I think didn’t suit them, they would listen to music that I think just wasn’t their age, they would use lingo and slangs that clearly sounded forced to me.

And they just tried too hard to act an age that they had clearly surpassed.

Here was me making judgements about other people at an age where I thought I would mature gracefully and beautifully and not be like them.

Hahahaha.

Boy was I wrong.

Because now, I am at that age. I still want to wear the same clothes I wore for the last decade, I want to listen to music that’s supposedly younger, I still want to like things that younger people are supposed to like and I still want to use lingo that younger people use because it’s fun.

I am not trying to act young or live out my teenage years again. I still am young and therefore have all the rights to do things that make me happy.

So, who was I making all these judgments, to begin with? Maybe they were doing the same. Maybe they too wanted to just have fun and be.

 And this really got me thinking, what does ‘Act Your Age’ mean anyway? Who is anyone to define what we are supposed to like or do basis the number of years we are attached to? Who am I or anyone to judge what we’re supposed to behave like? Provided we aren’t harming anyone and living up to our responsibilities, then who is anyone to tell us at any age to grow up?

The Birthday Blues

I am going to make a very bold assumption here and say that the reason people fear their birthdays and hate growing older is because they feel like the best times of their lives are coming to an end, and now they will have to succumb to a life they don’t want to live as they grow older with age.

Do you fear your birthdays? I kinda wanna know why.

And I know some of us are privileged enough to live the lives we want on our terms and it’s easy for me to say things like you are never too young to do this and that. I know some of us have responsibilities that we can’t do away with and we need to give them priority too.

I agree and respect that. But what I want to also share was the fact that there shouldn’t be a means of regret with age. You did the best you could at whatever age you were. Maybe it was the life you wanted, maybe it wasn’t. But you did try your best. And no matter how old you get, it’s never too late to still do the things you wanted to do. Or be the person you wanted to be.

We as a generation have all passed the understanding that milestones such as career, success, childbirth and marriage all have expiry dates. There is no longer an age to be a mother, a businesswoman, a wife, or even a professional violinist and ice skater!

No matter how old you get. I hope you know that it’s never too late.

And that’s exactly what I told myself when my 30s began looming over me.

The 30-year-old My Younger Self Thought I Would Be

Many moons ago, in my early 20s (wow, it feels so weird to say now), I thought that when I would turn 30, I would be incredibly financially successful, so much so that I would throw myself a huge party with all my friends, wearing this designer custom made dress, looking incredible. And also take a fancy international vacation with my family to one of my bucket list destinations.

Because that’s what I thought my definition of success felt like. Money, travel, glamour, and tangible products of prosperity.

Where it would still be nice to have all those things, I don’t regret not having them, or even not being the person, I thought I would be.

Because I feel like the version I am now is better!

I may not be able to fit into my high school shorts, but I did manage to keep my big appetite and really enjoy what I eat and control what I shouldn’t. Weight loss was a perk, but not the main focus anymore.

I may not be able to buy designer handbags and fancy expensive things but I can safely say that I can buy all the books I can manage to read and that is such a big luxury for me, considering I came from a time where I couldn’t own copies of some of my favorite books. And I am so grateful that I can afford to buy all the stationery and books that I use now.

I may not be the things I thought I would be at 30, but I have come to accept the fact that this is as good as things could be. And I want to be grateful for it.

30th Birthday Ideas

I have come to learn that there are many different ways one likes to celebrate major birthday milestones. Some people like to celebrate it with a lot of people, some like to celebrate it alone.

For me personally, I have a theory that I would like to live birthdays by. I have come to respect the fact that people have priorities and life happens. Whether they celebrate my birthday with me or not, should not directly be proportionate to how I would feel on my birthday or their relationship with me. I should therefore not like to depend on other people to make me feel special on my birthday. Of course, if they do, that’s a pleasant surprise! But there are no expectations attached and no pressure on me or them.

So, whether you are making yourself a special meal, decorating your house with balloons, organizing surprise video calls with friends and family, or even a fun birthday treasure hunt around the house, do things that make you happy!

For my birthday this year, I planned my own customized BTS cake.

I ordered delicious food for myself and my family.

I went to the book store after so long and bought myself the titles I always wanted.

And I came home to an adorable balloon arrangement.

30th Birthday Gifts

So keeping the above statement in mind, I decided that for this 30th birthday, I would buy myself 30 little to medium-sized gifts all throughout the year. For my friends who asked, I told them what I wanted and left the rest to surprise. And I made sure that I would take care of all the little things such as cake and dinner as much as I could so everyone could just chill and have fun!

Needless to say, there were many BTS merchandise and books involved.

What I also loved was how there were certain things I didn’t plan for and how they somehow turned into very pleasant surprises. Adding to the charm of the day.

Somehow planning my own birthday in however little capacity and how eventful I can make it for myself and everyone else, turned out to be much more fun than I anticipated. Circumstances this year definitely turned it that way too.

And like I said, I have come to accept that it’s the best possible way things could have turned out :)

I don’t know how better to explain it, but something changed in this 30s air. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s the coffee, but there is a shift in energy that I can’t explain. Maybe it started with me falling out of love with certain things so I can fall in love with new ones. Maybe it’s me just being tired of resisting and fighting situations and people and finally being okay with just accepting certain things as they are and literally literally going with the flow.

Maybe it’s all those things, maybe it’s some. But I can safely say that I haven’t felt as content on my birthday in a long time. And usually, I feel a little sad for not having done a lot, or celebrated myself enough, or commemorating each milestone with something that I found worthwhile. But this time I just let things be and did what felt right in the moment.

If this is what 30s are all about then I am so looking forward to the next decade of my life feeling like I already have it all.

And so, with that I wanted to say: Happy birthday you. I’m glad you do this every year to show your younger self how much you have grown in self-belief. I know the last one year hasn’t been easy but I’m happy you decided to find yourself somewhere in between the 3am anxiety, quiet afternoons, windy walks and other small things that made you happy.

I’m so proud of what you have made and who you have become. Here is to another decade of making dreams come true, creating a whole lot of magic, always looking to find the light and love in things, and turning into a better person every time.

May it just keep getting better and better,

Niki :)